my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
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I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
“our sushi is very fresh”
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
