Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.

Date: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a script editor.

Me: Are you any good?

Me: No.

The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.

“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

Looks at the shower

At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked

You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?

i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A

Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.

Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.

Me: And your point is…?

The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”

Friend: check out my conscience shell

Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*

Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing

The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.

Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..

People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are

Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.

*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*

Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?

Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.

Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat