My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
lost dog
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?
“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
