My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
a god among men
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
