My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
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ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
I try
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator