Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.

The 4 stages after getting dumped…

1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.

I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.

broke down and did it

When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.

God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*

God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.

I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.

~Late night couch potato dilemma

Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.

Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.

Wife: I watched you dress her.

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

*At the couch store

“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”

Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.

the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else

My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.

Many many moons ago:

Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year

Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”

Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.

Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.