Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out:

Brunch where pajama attire is required.

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

Smells like a challenge to me

“You look tired”

Well you’re crap at compliments.

ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted

[trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.

My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.

It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out

Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.

3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.

I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.

Narcissist: I am God!

Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.

Therapist: tell me your dreams

Me: cheese

Therapist: no your weird dreams

Me: still cheese

Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams

Me: kinky cheese?

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:

“So do we have super glue?”

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:

Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house

hacker: i know your social security number

me: that makes one of us

What a year we’ve had this week.

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.

Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle