My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
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Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
I have taken up painting
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Glorious 12/27 to those who celebrate.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*