Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible

My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat

after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken… what

Me: what

My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now

[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]

ME: Excuse me, what year is it?

MAN: It’s 830.

ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.

Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.

When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”

Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.

My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time

He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever

when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.

now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:

6lb11oz!

Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.

Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.

In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out

30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”

Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.