Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

I’ll never salute you, General Settings

thankfully, most bananas are boneless

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

My favorite female superhero

When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.

Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!

Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?

I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”

Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school

it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife

It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying

[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.

[God creating chihuahuas]

“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)

People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.

I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.

cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.

me: why?

cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.

Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?

I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”

Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.

Sneaking up behind people and marrying them

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Expectation:
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/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
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/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
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(´･ω･)
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(人＿＿つ_つ