My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
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[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.