My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
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When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus