All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
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Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Did I do this right
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
[at the general store]
me: one general please
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.