Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]

“wfh”

what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff

They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

Tobacco causes Cancer

Alcohol causes Dancer

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

*bugs bunny*

bunny: stop bothering me

[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help

7am: *starts diet*

7pm: *eats the house*

stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen

nobody:

TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag

Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.

Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans

Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too

The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.

Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…

I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”

Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.