My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
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[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup