Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”

Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card

If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?

Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people

Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”

People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.

”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!

“The Perfect Relationship”

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year

Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?

The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.