My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
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During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Not today
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Shoo shoo! 😂
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers