Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

brian had himself a morning…

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog

They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

Me, dressed Covid casual at work.

Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”

Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?

Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*

RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.

If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.

Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.

British people this week:

“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?

Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.

Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??