My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
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Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
his wife is probably gonna see that