my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
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Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
X-tra spooky blend
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.