Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it

LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit

I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]

Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.

These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.

[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet

T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.

I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:

my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”

A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive

I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

Good for him.

*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER

When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”

Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt

(yawn)

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.

When your parents check you’re ok.

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u

Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio

My lack of pants is nobody’s business.

– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.