My biggest fear is a killer saying some funny shit while I’m playing dead😭
You Might Also Like
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*