Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.

I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.

Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big

I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed

Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.

Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?

Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!

3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

😅😅😅

Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.

Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.

For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.

[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]

“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”

*covers it with towel*

“ok now it’s safe”

Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.

It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat

ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.

If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.

According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.

(before sex)

*sings national anthem

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.

I can see how that would be whiskey.

Do you have to wine about it though?

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.