My biggest fear is a killer saying some funny shit while I’m playing dead😭
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I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph