Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.

I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”

The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”

date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens

me: OMG!

date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two

me: phew

date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.

I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.

Friend without kids: I’m so tired.

Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK

Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario

I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want

Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

I have the attention of a goldfish.

Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.

[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]

laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US

I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:

dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders

Dumbledore:

Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol

Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.