My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
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The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Great Canadian literature.
ACED my prostate exam!
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.