My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
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Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
adam and eve had first world problems
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.