Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

*first day as zookeeper

(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

[Bear attack]

Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.

Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!

In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums

god: here are the animals

man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes

Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.

Husband: But you just woke up.

Me: Exactly.

So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…

There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?

Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”

Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?

Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

grocery bagger: paper or plastic?

me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.

pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.

I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.

They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.

My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.

Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.

[date]

Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?

Him: No interest, before my time.

Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*

Him: What’re you doing?

Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.

In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea

After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”

It was nice knowing you all.

No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.