Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”

[laying on the office couch]

Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”

Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”

[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.

“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family

It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.

Single worst piece of software ever invented

Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”

A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay

Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children

I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.

Me: don’t do it

Brain: GONNA DO IT

Me: I’m driving

Brain: HERE IT COMES

Me: there’s oncoming traffic

Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW

Me: you’re going to kill us both

Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST

Me: *pre sneeze face*

Brain: THIS AMUSES ME

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

Do hairy people get bed head all over?

Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.

No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.

If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory

SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?

SON: YA-

DAD: You’re not a dog.

Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.

5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.

my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.