My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
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You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
🤣dope
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
hello pervert is such a strong opener
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Dishonest mechanic?
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup