Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.

If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.

Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?

Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit

Hubs: um…

Me: oh bugger!

I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something

her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?

me: bears

My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]

U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything

Oh boy, $150,000!

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?

As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.

Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself

Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself

Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down

“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend

Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…

1. I don’t have a swimming pool.

2. I don’t have a girlfriend.

Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.