my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
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When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
the zen of frog
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider