my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
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My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”