My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
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Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.