My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
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“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
oh you wanna fight?!
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.