My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
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Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
sugar glider wrangler
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?