Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me

Icarus loved hot wings.

My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.

people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper

If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.

I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.

I take after my dad.

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.

I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.

Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???

After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.

My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks

employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?

me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison

Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.

Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

You need to let shit go.

~ Buddha

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off