Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!

Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.

Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you

My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro

Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.

And now we wait.

Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.

Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.

80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad

women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible

My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.

Crisis averted, for now.

Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”

-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side

You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

Me: I should sleep.

Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

[dinner party]

GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?

RICH GUY: I race horses for a living

ME: Do you ever beat them?

[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”

Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.

I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.

More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.

(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?

I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”