My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
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Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.