My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”