Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

going to bed

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

I ate everything, including the H.

Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.

Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.

[being 40]

fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job

me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –

FD: your body is only 38% recovered today

me: wtf

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.

Me: You look amazing with glasses.

Her: OMG thanks

Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.

Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.

SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…

my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.

Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.

Me to my dog: Stop barking now.

My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!

Me: It’s ok.

Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!

Me: I’m a haredresser

Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?

Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?

Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?

Henopause

Annnd, send tweet.

Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror

Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.

My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.