My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
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Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn