Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.

ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.

A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”

You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.

*takes an exam in a coffin*

*passes*

Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

me: how did he die?

him: he was attacked by a gang of geese

me: gaggle?

him: no I think it was a stabbing

If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.

[phone]

H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.

Judge: You need supervision.

Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.

Me: Where were you supposed to poop?

2-year-old: The potty.

Me: So why didn’t you?

2: I’m too busy.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

plot twist: satan sold his soul to me

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.

I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….

Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.