“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
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Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Self-cleaning conscience
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.