My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
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8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I Can’t Tonight…
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”