Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: i never got ur email

me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*

If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.

5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!

Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]

Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

New Tinder profile.

Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!

Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.

“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”

– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.

I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.

‘The cat is up on your counters again.’

~The monster under my bed.

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?

Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.