My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
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After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*