Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.

Dear Lord..

[Sperm Bank]

DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy

Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie

Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me

When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes

Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.

I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.

Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

Cat or sheep

Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.

Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it

Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”

I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?

[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.

[texting]

you mean the wolf to me

-wolf?

ha! autocorrect fail!

-lol

what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me

I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.

Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .

why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula

dracula: *bites neck*

me: oh, I should probably warn you-

dracula: *dies*

me: i am 50% garlic bread

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.