My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
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Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
🤣🤣🤣
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that