My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
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I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
British drink offers for guests:
“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
My purse is deeper than some people.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”