My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
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When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
The Weeknd is back
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Don’t frighten the programmers!
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it