Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.

Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*

I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.

20’s: what even is a hangover?

40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work

I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.

My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!

Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?

Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan

Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan

Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”

Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?