my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
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The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
This is Sparta
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.