My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
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So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend