My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
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Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
I bet
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.