Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago

I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.

Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.

biblically accurate fire hydrant

Friday night party time 🥳

Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.

May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:

I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines

[seafood restaurant]

CHEF: where are my shellfish?!

ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you

Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude

Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”

Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence

“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”

– The AutocorrExorcist

HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?

Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”

When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.

I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.

Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch

Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat

Finally my winter fat has gone!

I now have spring rolls.