My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
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[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!This is every influencer giving “advice.”
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
[adds another nod to the conversation]
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer