My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
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I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
shazam but for random noises outside
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
why would tinder want me to say this
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce