Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]

Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food

Period tracker: 196 days late

Me: *wears white pants

Period: I’m ready for my comeback

My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary

A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.

Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa

I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.

GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy

[meeting her parents]

ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?

My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning

Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.

well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night

PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.

5: Unicorns aren’t real.

13: Where do you think glitter comes from?

10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.

Big Sisters: the original fake news source

WAP on, WAP off

-Cardi Biyagi

Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard

I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.

My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc

Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.

Everyone else at speed dating: