My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
You Might Also Like
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Florida be like…
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
sailors wish they could swear like me
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.