My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
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I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.
chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
I’m trying to eat healthily but there’s still so much cheese in the fridge. And it’s illegal to throw cheese away. Not sure what to do.
I guess I’m going to have to eat the cheese.
Yes. I am now actively eating the cheese.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.