My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
You Might Also Like
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.