My biological clock is wheezing.
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the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.