Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?

“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub

A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.

During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her

The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

What the hell happened in there??

Cop: Hey U!

U: who, me?

Cop: no the other 1!

1: who, me?

Cop: both of U!

W: who, us?

Cop: Yes you!

U: Who, me?

Cop: No!

No: yes?

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?

The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.