My biological clock is wheezing.
You Might Also Like
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I need better friends
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.