My biological clock is wheezing.
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Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
never compromise your values
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
The biggest mystery of our time
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.