Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.

My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.

Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.

I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.

A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…

An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination

High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.

My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.

My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”

We’re thinking Harvard.

“I said, ‘No’”

– me, about to give my dog my sandwich

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out

I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.

Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?

Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.

A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.

Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?

Pac-Man: *deep breath*

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts

almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free

At urgent care with my 8yo

Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.

😆

(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)

If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.

[fancy restaurant]

JESUS: what do you do for a living

DATE: I’m a pilot

JESUS: *narrows eyes*

Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.

Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.