Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”

(my first day as a transformer)

optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!

Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are

“The weatherman isn’t real!”

-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character

*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.

My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me

A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.

I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.

If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over

It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?

Him: *disables smoke alarm*

I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?

T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!

Doctor: How big were its horns?

T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*

Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.

My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people

FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?

FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.

Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.