My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
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my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends