My birth announcement for our third baby
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Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
🤣😂🤣😂
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
what could possibly go wrong?
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?