My birth announcement for our third baby
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Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Legend 🤣🤣
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
pat pat
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.