My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
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*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.