Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Revenge served cold

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again

*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.

~Wine tasting, you pervs!

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.

So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.

This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.

Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?

Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.

My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?

lmfao come on

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

Every time I hear a Christmas Carol, I’m picturing Jesus with that look people get when they’re waiting for you to finish singing them ‘Happy Birthday’.

stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen

You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.

Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.

“Have you met my other half?”

– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.

this is one of the funniest videos of all time

Judge: How do you plead?

Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—

J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney

M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.