Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers

wife: anyone have a pen?

james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.

w: thanks…why 3 times?

jb: its an old pen

w: its a bomb isnt it!?!

jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.

Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here

Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏

My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”

I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS

Here’s where I leave the earth for good.

i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them

I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)

“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”

Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?

Friend: You mean my wedding?

Me: Yeah, sure!

My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.

Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.

make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight

I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!

Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.

My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.

Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup

Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?

Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.

He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.

Now, he’s worth $190 billion.

The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.

Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.

There is no “five second rule”…

Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.

Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.

A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .

me choking on my own saliva for no reason.

I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?

Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.