My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
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Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts