My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
You Might Also Like
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
My inexpensive home security system…
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok