My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
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The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
My patronus is a cheeseburger
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.