My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
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me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Bootstraps
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta