my birthday is a month from today and all i want is this

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A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:

“Bit windy”


It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.


my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me


Reporter got asked about any survivors of a plane crash & said ‘its up in the air’. Dude if it was up in the air we wouldn’t be in this mess


Someone just told me that they met the love of their life on Twitter and I haven’t been able to stop laughing since.


I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.


Cry if you missed someone.

Try to shoot them again before they leave.


Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.


If you read Twitter backwards it tells the story of humanity slowly getting smarter.