6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
You Might Also Like
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?